i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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