I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
