rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
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just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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