There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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