She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
