Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
