I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
