dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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