I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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