nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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