so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
