One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
