I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
