how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
