was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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