just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
