sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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