My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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