Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
