i wish peter jackson would direct porn
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
