everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
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But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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