I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
