Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This toilet bowl is my home.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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