I think I died a long time ago.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Randomize
