have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
