is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
