found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
