I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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