just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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