No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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