So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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