Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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