You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
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the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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