I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
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Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize