I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
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He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
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I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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