Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
