even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
