if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
