I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
