So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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