I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
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How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
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Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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