nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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