so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
