he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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