we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
