My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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