I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
