I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
