Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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