Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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