lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
