At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
What drink are we having for lunch?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
