Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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