I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
