she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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