im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
