Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize