hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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