It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize