so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
