I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
