I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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