I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
