I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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